King Mulgrew's New Clothes

The clever tailors of Aetna sell him their fine fabrics

One fine day, as the sun shone brightly in the Kingdom of Unity, there came two tailors from the land of Aetna. They arrived at the Unity Castle at 52 Broadway, with cases full of exotic designs from far off lands. King Mulgrew received them in his Sitting Room on the 14th floor.

“What have you to show me?” demanded King Mulgrew.

“We bring the most exotic materials, Sire, from all over the globe,” said the first tailor. “They are very special, only for our most elite customers.”

“I shall see them at once!” declared King Mulgrew.

“Clothes make the man,” said the second tailor.”

“Alas, you labor under a misconception,” said King Mulgrew. “It is well known in these parts that men make the clothes. For example, making clothes appears to be your very occupation.”

The second tailor bowed from his waist, to acknowledge the King was correct in All Things. After what seemed a long time, he rose.

“Of course, Majesty, but these fabrics are unique,” said he. “While they are of the finest quality, certainly better than any that any known in this Kingdom before, none but the Wisest and Most Discerning can see them. Such fabrics can be enjoyed only by the Finest People.”

King Mulgrew’s interest was piqued. Surely, there was no one wiser than he in the entire Kingdom. All of Unity revered him. And no one dared question his wisdom in all the land, at pain of his solicitors sending them cease and desist letters.

“Show me, then, these exotic fabrics,” spake King Mulgrew.

The salesman showed King Mulgrew a chest, finely crafted, and gold in color. He drew from his vest a key, and opened it.

“There, Your Majesty. Look for yourself!” spoke the tailor.

King Mulgrew looked into the chest and saw nothing. He was vexed. What should he do? Were he to say that he saw nothing, he would be openly admitting that he was not the Wisest of all the Kingdom. This would be a show of weakness that could not be tolerated! King Mulgrew thought for a moment, and slyly determined to act as though he had seen the fabrics. Instead of commenting on them, thought he, he would change the subject entirely.

“And what, dear tailor, shall I owe Aetna for the purchase of these fine fabrics?”

“Nothing, Sire. We desire no payment for the fabrics, or for our services. We ask only that you pay certain fees to Good Emperor Eric of Gracie Castle. It need not deplete your Royal Patronage Account. That said, should you desire to increase said Patronage Account, perhaps you could levy a tax. Or a dues increase. We shall be compensated by the Great Emperor in the far off land of Washington DC. You need not worry. ”

King Mulgrew was astounded. How could these tailors manage a deal to offer their services at no cost to him, at the expense of only lowly and inconsequential commoners? They must surely be fine tailors, and the fabrics must surely be the finest in all the land. And as these funds would not come from the precious Patronage account, it was indeed no Skin off his Apple.

“What tribute, then, shall my subjects offer Emperor Eric?” queried the King.

“Not much,” replied the first tailor. “Only 1 billion pieces of gold from their 1.8 billion Clothing Stabilization Fund. As you sagely surmised, Highness, this shall only affect the commoners. We, as your personal tailors, ask nothing from you, so it need not cause you even the slightest inconvenience.”

That did not seem like it would fundamentally affect his life style, thought King Mulgrew.

“And yet, there are a few other small things,” said the second tailor.

“Then I shall hear of them!” said King Mulgrew.

“Firstly, we should like the small sum of 600 million pieces of gold to be set aside annually, in perpetuity, in tribute to Emperor Eric,” said the tailor. “Again, this shall come from funds that serve the commoners. Royalty, with its extra gold, shall barely note the difference. But we shall provide you a Service for that sum,” he continued.

“And what,” asked King Mulgrew, “should that service be?”

“I’m glad you asked, Benevolent King,” said the first tailor. “For that sum, we shall clothe all your Kingdom. Of course said clothes will not be as magnificent as those we provide you, Sire. Your clothing we shall create ourselves, here and now, if you would but set aside a space for us to do our Work.”

This deal seemed too good to be true, thought King Mulgrew. All the Kingdom would be clothed, and all he had to do was turn over an amount of commoner gold to the Emperor. Why, the emperor might be in debt to he, King Mulgrew, and who knew what favors the Emperor might thus bestow upon him? More patronage for his Royalty? No work jobs? No show jobs, perchance? Thus, the King accepted.

For weeks, the tailors labored in spaces once known as Kings College, even as Sir LeRoy’s people labored to install a dungeon. Every day, Unity Royalty looked in to see them fussing over mills that appeared to contain no thread whatsoever. The tailors pulled needles in the air that appeared to have nothing attached to them. But, having been told that only the Wisest could see the Fabrics, they nodded their heads in approval. It was never Wise to question King Mulgrew.

At last, on the day of a Great Royal Procession, King Mulgrew stood before the procession and perambulated up Broadway. All the commoners were told that only the Wisest could see the fabrics, and regardless, few had the Temerity to contradict King Mulgrew, known far and wide for confiscating the megaphones of those who criticized him, and having his solicitors threaten critics with civil and criminal penalties.

At last the procession passed by a little girl wearing a Gold medallion. The little girl , alas, was too young to have been indoctrinated in the Ways of the Kingdom. The girl, whose name was Marianne, shouted, “King Mulgrew has no clothes!”

Her voice echoed, the commoners looked up, and all took heed. Once uttered, word spread far and wide. Soon, all the commoners echoed Marianne. The Unity Royals, of course, struggled mightily to behave as though they heard nothing. No one desired to join Lady Amy in the pencil sharpening wing of the castle.

But the words of the commoners echoed in King Mulgrew’s head. He was vexed! The commoners believed the word of that Insolent Little Brat, and there was no putting that Rumor to rest.

Fearing a rebellion, King Mulgrew declared he no longer supported the tailors from Aetna. Still, unwilling to risk the displeasure of Emperor Eric, he did nothing whatsoever to halt the possibility of gold flowing from the commoners to Eric. He also did nothing whatsoever to stop impending mandatory distribution of Aetna clothing to commoners, even though it was markedly inferior to that to which they’d become accustomed.

King Mulgrew did, however, travel to the land of Empress Randi, and declare that he hoped no further such sales would occur. Alas, the commoners deemed this unsatisfactory, and there was much muttering in the land. The people demanded the clothing to which they were accustomed

“Let them wear crowns and royal robes,” proclaimed King Mulgrew, and declared the matter Closed.

Thanks to Daniel A. for the graphic